As I used to do with my teen age diaries, I need to confide in, cry to, someone and the page is all that’s available. Everyone is living their life this Mother’s Day, but thinking of my mommy only makes the lump in my throat swell. I consider praying to her. Do I miss my mother or am I wishing there was someone “above” me who could say “it’s OK, everything will work out, I’ll take care of you.”

Am I tuned to the wrong frequency? The California weather has been spectacular. My humble patio plot is profuse with roses; Marin and Sonoma counties are fragrant everywhere with huge blooms in shades of salmon, white with magenta edges, deep red, shocked pink, baby pink and yellow. My good condo neighbors just told me that they are buying a fixer-upper on a quarter acre and moving by the end of June. They will now consolidate their home and business, have room for the little dogs. I’m happy for them, but it’s just one more bit of evidence that everyone’s life (except the Iraqis and our wounded soldiers) is changing for the better. I liked those neighbors, they made me feel safe. Greg was my handyman consultant who showed me how to change the furnace filter, taught me use of tools and “lefty-loosey, righty-tighty which I’m sure boys learn sometime before the age of 50. As the Human Awareness Institute workshops say, am I tuned into radio K-FUCK instead of radio K-LOVE? Not making the positive choice?

Good fortune might come from ignoring the national news. Will my favorite non-profit media organization make its fundraising goal? This is the place I enjoy working (as a volunteer) and it constantly struggles to pay even a pittance to the staff. Then I watch our selected President ask Congress for billions more for military adventures and a 3,000-person American embassy in Iraq. Our tax money. Our schools’ money. Our money for the arts.

I’m leaving for a visit with my daughter in New York. Can I leave worries about job and future behind–just for a week?

My favorite long-time single male friends now have women they love, are living with. I haven’t had a date in a couple of years. Can I find the door to big positive change in my life? Is it ok to wish for upheaval? I’m not afraid of growth and enlightenment. I’m not afraid to take intimacy risks. Something positive is happening in my life, I just need to notice it. Find the mentors and coaches to help. Yesterday I drove miles to practice Tango and left the class buoyed by a compliment that I was making great progress There are moments….

Nothing to do except to affirm that I have poems, love, health, and money enough. To give big thanks right now as I sit down to eat my lunch.