At the height of the HIV epidemic, singles learned how to have a “safer sex talk” with a potential partner. If precautions were taken, we were basically in the clear for sexually-transmitted infections. What to do, though, if a deadly, super contagious virus lives not only in our coughs and sneezes but in our very conversations, our intimate whisperings?

Sexting has always been a thing, pandemic or no. Ditto Zoom flirtations or Skype sex. What I have been considering during the time of COVID-19 are things consenting adults can do, at the recommended six-foot separation, when they’ve gone past the initial dating stage. As restrictions ease and space opens for sensual interactions in person, what are some creative solutions for lovers who don’t live together but were already at some level of intimacy before shelter-in-place?

One of my female friends calls the suggested “Creative Things You Can Do from Six Feet Apart” a “Cosmo-like list.” (I praise all women’s magazine for their grains of truth and usefulness). My sources are my own experience, personal growth workshops I have attended over the course of twenty years, conversations with a sex educator, advice from my physician, and input from peers and poets.

But first, some caveats.

My suggestions are meant to be progressive and have no time frame; there are more than an evening’s worth. Pick and choose. Use these prompts to stimulate your own imagination.

My intention here is to be gender neutral, but I am a female, and currently my sexual interests are men. Some activities I offer might be construed by a guy as c**k-teasing. If he’s in the same room with a person he likes who is doing such provocative things, it might be quite a challenge to keep his distance. Not that he will do anything criminally aggressive, but he might cajole or pressure his lover to relax their boundaries. Another possibility is that he will get sad or mopey or even angry from only looking and not touching. And then you have a lovers’ spat!

For me, as a vital, mature women, there is tension as well. I care for my partner (or potential partner) and want them to be happy. I also need relationship intimacy and desire satisfaction—in fact my health depends on it. So I rationalize, weigh risks and benefits. It’s a dilemma that has very few answers and precious little guidance.

If couples who do not live together decide to have contact sex, whether oral or intercourse, they should take precautions to reduce the risk of spreading the novel coronavirus. How to do that is a “Cosmo List” for another time.

What I am attempting here is to initiate a compendium of sexual-pleasure-from-a-distance that stretches the imagination and pushes the envelope. I welcome and encourage your additions!

Now begin:
Fetch your carpenter’s tape and mark off your room in six-foot intervals—from easy chair to couch, doorway to doorway, prop box to video screen. If you can find a private space outdoors, so much the safer, but still maintain your distance.

• Take turns telling each other what you find appealing—a physical attribute or a quality of personality. Give your partner one compliment at a time, whatever comes spontaneously to mind, back and forth for three minutes. Use an egg timer, or re-purpose the game timer you use to wash your hands.

 

• Flash a body part at an unexpected moment. Pretend nothing unusual happened.

 

• Read erotic stories out-loud; discover who likes to read and who likes to listen. Bring your favorites or tap into the “literotica” sources online

 

• Dance for the other. Remember that black leather teddy and fishnets you wore for Halloween? Call them back into service to enhance the effect. Another opportunity for masks!

 

• Answer the question, “Tell me one thing that turns you on.” Example: Kisses and little nips on the smooth skin between my neck and shoulder. Sweet breath and full lips. A superbly-toned backside.

 

• Share a sexual fantasy as if you were describing a dream, in first person, present tense. Example: I have just bedded down alone in my tent beside a running creek when I hear the distinct pleasure cries of a woman emerging from a campsite just up the hill. I quiet all my movements and listen carefully…

 

• If you’re shy about this kind of talk, do this homework assignment: each of you write a list of “25 things I find arousing” and share it at your next rendezvous.

 

• Watch a sexy movie together. (Remember about the placement of furniture). Provide your own libations and snacks. Make sure you agree on what a sexy “The English Patient” or “Debbie Does Dallas”? Be cautious. When a partner suggested we try viewing what turned out to be degrading porn, I was turned off to his attentions for the rest of the evening.

 

• Practice talking sexy. You might start by saying, “When I’m able to touch you again, I am going to…” Dare yourself to use “dirty words” you’ve never said. Discover new, poetic descriptions for body parts (“heart of the peony” “velvet valentine”); let them loll on your tongue.

 

• Do a real-time strip tease for your sweetie. Welcome their appreciative comments.

 

• Privately record a show-off video, and then share it with your partner. You could demonstrate, for example, how you make love to yourself. This might be the occasion to bring out your sex toy box and illustrate the uses of its contents piece by piece.

 

• Try mutual masturbation to The Big O (in the event that this has not already occurred). Or take turns. The active partner might close their eyes. The observing partner might encourage, “You are so radiant, so delightful, so orgasmic. Your skin is beginning to flush, you are glowing with energy. I can feel your heat from here.”

 

Precaution Footnote:
I’ve read reports of asymptomatic people who’ve attended choir practice and expelled virus droplets from enthusiastic singing that infected those nearby. Might the same be said for the heavy breathing or vocalizing that occurs during sex play? Distance is probably not enough protection if the partners become so deeply engaged. Then masks are a necessity rather than just a costume accessory.

Additional Resources:
I’ve newly discovered, through a referral from poet Bill Noble, a respectful source of real sexual experiences, with world-wide reach but originating in Australia.  Beautiful Agony is a paid-subscription erotic website featuring head shots of user-submitted videos showing the participants having orgasms, without providing any visual description of what technique is being used or revealing anything below the neck and upper chest.

Men, women and non-binary people are featured on the site. Many of the video clips are lovely and compelling, almost meditative. And utterly appropriate to social distancing. You can watch Beautiful Agony’s Show Reel to get a sense of what it would be like to subscribe and contribute content.

My book, Poetry, Politics and Passion, contains the essay “A Face of Ecstasy” in which I describe my experience participating in the documentary film “Orgasm: The Faces of Ecstasy,” a 2004 project by now-defunct Libido Films and produced by the late Joani Blank, author, sex educator and founder, in 1977, of Good Vibrations—the second feminist sex toy business in the United States.

Posted on my website is a video of me reading that essay intercut with sections from the Libido/Blank film. Probably not many of my clients or employers have delved that far into the audio-visual section of Piece of Mind Creative. It is an obscure portion of my obscure website, but it is there for the clicking if you are curious. In my view, Joani Blank is the mother, or grandmother, of the Beautiful Agony cohort.

 

I started a story for a local publication, but the editor decided—not enough “there” there.  I enjoyed interviewing the women associated with Safari West and the Oakland Zoo and wanted to give them a bit of a shout-out, with the hope that folks will support these institutions that really do care about research, conservation, and the well-being of the enormous diversity of our non-human neighbors on this finite planet. The question was “Are creatures in captivity benefiting from the lack of animal tourism?”

**
All they needed was a little privacy. Giant pandas Ying Ying and Le Le recently made world headlines by mating successfully after 10 years of cohabitation at Ocean Park in Hong Kong, raising hopes for an offspring for the vulnerable species. Perhaps Le Le’s libido was sparked by several months free of observation by throngs of tourists (the zoo has been closed to visitors since January 26 as a measure to fight the coronavirus). Or perhaps the zookeepers’ showing him video footage of other pandas doing the deed proved a useful how-to? A panda conservationist, Dr. Li Binbin, says, “These animals are shy and sensitive to noise, smell and objects around them. If they are stressed, they cannon indulge in normal behavior like mating.”  

Reports of unusual behaviors in wild animals have proliferated on the Internet, from a lengthy video of a fox and skunk playing together in a Maine backyard to a puma descending from the Andes Mountains into Santiago, Chile, one of South America’s busiest capitals.

 Aphrodite Caserta, public relations director for Safari West, “the Sonoma Serengeti,” says that the mammals, birds and reptiles from Africa that populate the private reserve don’t appear to notice the lack of visitors. “Our one thousand animals are wild and free to roam on 400 acres. They are interacting with their care-keepers daily, as they always do,” she says.

 When pressed a bit further for anecdotes, Caserta speculates, “People ‘on safari’ can’t touch the animals, but we have a particular giraffe who is very friendly and likes to nuzzle the guests. It’s possible that he might be a little lonely.”

Ann Marie Bisagno, Oakland Zoo’s Zoological Manager, has this to say, “We thought the closure might be a nice relief for the animals, some peace and quiet, but the animals are missing seeing people. In particular, the chimps.” Bisagno asked the staff to have their lunches in front of the chimp exhibit, maybe show them some videos on their phones. A male eland in the giraffe exhibit approached a staff member walking by “and looked at us, as if to say, ‘Hey, what’s going on?’”

It’s true that some animals are indifferent, but certain species want more interaction, like the macaws and gibbons and other primates. While enrichment is part of the zoo’s routine in normal times, it is especially needed now when visitors are absent. Bisagno explains that “enrichment” can mean playing music for the animals, or, as in the enclosure for lions and tigers, hiding their food in boxes or palm fronds. Staff will also scatter elephant urine and zebra dung in the habitat, disrupting the atmosphere to get the big cats more active. She observed a group of giraffes turn to look in unison when they saw a lone employee walking by.

 On April 1, the Oakland Zoo’s 110 part-time employees were laid off—that’s almost two-thirds of the entire workforce. Now, only essential personnel, made up almost entirely of animal care/zookeepers and veterinary hospital staff, are working. There are 750 native and exotic animals on the 100-acre site, managed by the Conservation Society of California.

 Oakland Zoo Live Online

The Zoo’s marketing VP Erin Harrison says, “We’ve had to be creative in finding new revenue streams since the closure, so we launched Behind the Scenes Live in record time. This platform allows subscribers to log in every weekday at 2:30 p.m. (PST) for a 20-30 minute live interactive experience, featuring a different animal and interviewee each time. Viewers get to see things they would not usually see, even when visiting the Zoo in person. A sampling of topics for the week of April 13 include: “Monkey Business,” “Let’s Talk Tigers” and “Wolf Pack.”

 During each broadcast, viewers get to ask questions by typing them into a chat feature. The four-person production team and a host who formerly worked at San Diego Zoo’s Kids Channel ensure professional quality. Anyone can subscribe to Behind the Scenes for $14.95/month; Oakland Zoo members get the first month free, then pay $9.95/month thereafter.

 “We’re hoping to get enough participation in Behind the Scenes to offset any more layoffs,” Harrison says. “Having reserves was key to keeping us afloat for the time being. But those reserves will run out by August if the shelter-in-place isn’t lifted before then.”

Yes, all of us “creatures in captivity,” have adjustments to make.

When it was announced that our shelter-at-home period would be extended through May 3, I clicked on the link to the Sonoma County Emergency website and the latest Order of the Health Officer. “Failure to comply is a misdemeanor punishable by fine, imprisonment or both.”

I was looking for clarification on what were essential businesses. (Could I find a nursery where I could purchase spring vegetable starts?) Are face coverings now required, as in LA? (I had just seen a video of the U.S. Surgeon General making a “mask” out of two rubber bands and square of T-shirt material emblazoned with the name of a drug used to reverse opioid overdose.)

What about those teens playing basketball in the park and three adults sitting on a bench—with less than a foot between them—watching? (Would I go so far as to snitch on a neighbor for safety?)

Who would be on the list of ten people I would want at my funeral? (Funerals and burial services are allowed as long as not more than 10 are physically present.) I used this detail of the health order to prompt a writing exercise that yielded results both surprising and profound.

Now, there’s another month of isolation to get through. In the midst of anxiety, financial and physical suffering, stress and boredom all around, can I look for something to buoy and inspire me?

I see Gov. Newsom, along with a select group of other governors and local officials, stepping up and acting, perhaps, the way a President should?

I see 25,000 retired medical professionals volunteering for California Health Corps on the very first day it was announced.

I see creativity bursting everywhere, from a woman’s silken face covering that slyly incorporates a minipad, to the uncounted number of online concerts, Broadway plays, operas—all free, well, free if you have a phone, computer and internet access.

I can hear Patrick Stewart giving me a daily reading of Shakespeare sonnets or my friend David reciting the poems of Adrienne Rich, Ted Kooser, John Berryman and others from different spots around his San Francisco home and garden.

For a tiny fee, I can choose all or any of 16 virtual classes from Dance Arts, a studio 35 miles away from my home and difficult to attend very often in person. There are other free or subscription dance classes recommended by classmates I have yet to explore. I admit, it’s not the same as being there for a high-touch artistic pursuit, but the sessions give me plenty to work on until I rumba with my favorite teachers again.

And while spare time has yet to materialize because I have been working as a journalist and grant writer from home, I hope that sometime in the next month of “retreat,” I’ll get a start on my next book.

So, today, aided by morning clouds and rain, I will focus on the silver lining.

Buoyed by several days of perfect Spring weather, I spent many hours in the yard weeding, trimming and tending to my garden beds. Yesterday, I put up wire trellises, dug in Paydirt compost and planted sugar pea seeds directly in the soil. According to the package directions, if I sow in early Spring (how much earlier can one get but the day after Equinox) I will harvest in 68 days. I also tucked in some leftover celery seeds that grew last year without a fuss.

Thus, I committed an act of faith—I will be alive and well at the end of May to pick these crunchy, vegetal treats.

At five p.m., a huge black tent of cloud blew over from the east; it unloaded a flashing, crashing thunder storm and sheets of hard, cleansing rain. The twin teenage girls who live across the street were out under their carport giggling and playing because it was warm, friendly moisture, not usual for these parts, reminiscent of summer storms in the Illinois of my childhood.

Almost as quickly as the storm came on, it passed over. I put on my pink sneakers and ventured into the quiet, freshened air. A rainbow led me east past sun-kissed landscapes for more than 30 minutes, and then 30 minutes west, following my own outbound footprints in muddy gravel. I saw not one person outside a vehicle. Speeding Round Table and Domino’s delivery cars hinted at supper hour when I started; it was sunset when I finished.

I worried that my pea seeds may have floated out of their designated holes into a less socially-distanced order, but I could understand that. I am craving company too.

I’m used to being alone. I’ve been self-sufficient for 25 years and have lots of to-do projects on my list. But what I miss right now is ranting and raving to someone else about the lies, misinformation, and inhumanity exhibited by the occupant of the oval office—day in and day out, making a scary situation so very much worse. While there is plenty of money to keep building his useless and destructive border wall, there is not enough money for Personal Protective Equipment for our medical personnel who are risking their lives and the lives of their families to care for the current sick. And the sick to come.

In an interview with Jon Cohen of Science Magazine, Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, expressed his frustration—illustrated plainly on television by what has become an internet meme of him putting his hands over his face as the president blathers yet more nonsense.

When the reporter asks why Dr. Fauci “stood by while the president said so many things you disagree with” (on a press conference platform that was too crowded with zombie-faced minions), the good doctor replies, “But I can’t jump in front of the microphone and push him down.”

If only he would!

May I, in the eternity of the pandemic’s next 68 days, be bold and creative enough to (yes a metaphor) jump in front of that microphone to “push down” cruelty and hate, and replace them with insight, compassion and love.

With a birthday in July and a love of tropical beaches, I am feeling the loss of solar-powered personal energy today, although I know we here in wine country need the rain. It’s just that in higher elevations this water from heaven should be snow, arctic seas that should be frozen over are not, and Alaska has sustained its warmest weather ever in 2019. In Australia, their summer bushfires have pushed the air quality in Sydney to 12 times above “hazardous.” The area burned in “Oz” is three times what was lost in Brazil’s Amazon fires this year—record-breaking itself, in quantity, devastation and toxic pollution.

I have been moved by the many thousands of activists from all over the world, especially the young people of Extinction Rebellion and indigenous leaders, who have converged outside and around the U.N. Climate Summit in Madrid for the past two weeks. Time Magazine has named 16-year-old Greta Thunberg of Sweden its “Person of the Year,” while Brazil’s president calls her a “brat” and the U.S. president tells her to “go to the movies” and dismisses her urging “a course in anger management.”

I’m quoting below Greta’s insightful plenary address at the climate conference, where she speaks very frankly. (It is a longer than usual post) I always find it wonderful to hear her voice, and hope you will link to Democracy Now and watch/listen. In fact, I recommend this entire week of on-site programming by the Democracy Now team headed by Amy Goodman. Their climate issues coverage is second to none, on this occasion and always.

GRETA THUNBERG: “A year and a half ago, I didn’t speak to anyone unless I really had to. But then I found a reason to speak. Since then, I have given many speeches and learned that when you talk in public, you should start with something personal or emotional to get everyone’s attention, say things like, “Our house is on fire,” “I want you to panic,” or “How dare you!” But today I will not do that, because then those phrases are all that people focus on. They don’t remember the facts, the very reason why I say those things in the first place. We no longer have time to leave out the science.

“For about a year, I have been constantly talking about our rapidly declining carbon budgets, over and over again. But since that is still being ignored, I will just keep repeating it. In chapter two, on page 108 in the SR 1.5 IPCC report that came out last year, it says that if we are to have a 67% chance of limiting the global temperature rise to below 1.5 degrees Celsius, we had, on January 1st, 2018, 420 gigatons of CO2 left to emit in that budget.

“And, of course, that number is much lower today as we emit about 42 gigatons of CO2 every year, including land use. With today’s emissions levels, that remaining budget will be gone within about eight years. These numbers aren’t anyone’s opinions or political views. This is the current best available science. Though many scientists suggest these figures are too moderate, these are the ones that have been accepted through the IPCC.

“And please note that these figures are global, and therefore do not say anything about the aspect of equity, which is absolutely essential to make the Paris Agreement work on a global scale. That means that richer countries need to do their fair share and get down to real zero emissions much faster and then help poorer countries do the same, so people in less fortunate parts of the world can raise their living standards. . . .

“And why is it so important to stay below 1.5 degrees? Because even at 1 degree, people are dying from the climate crisis. Because that is what the united science calls for to avoid destabilizing the climate, so that we have the best possible chance to avoid setting off irreversible chain reactions, such as melting glaciers, polar ice and thawing Arctic permafrost. Every fraction of a degree matters.

“This is my message. This is what I want you to focus on. So please tell me: How do you react to these numbers without feeling at least some level of panic? How do you respond to the fact that basically nothing is being done about this, without feeling the slightest bit of anger? And how do you communicate this without sounding alarmist? I would really like to know.

S”ince the Paris Agreement, global banks have invested 1.9 trillion U.S. dollars in fossil fuels. One hundred companies are responsible for 71% of global emissions. The G20 countries account for almost 80% of total emissions. The richest 10% of the world’s population produce half of our CO2 emissions, while the poorest 50% account for just one-tenth. We indeed have some work to do, but some more than others.

“Recently, a handful of rich countries pledged to reduce their emissions of greenhouse gases by so-and-so many percent by this or that date, or to become climate-neutral or net zero in so-and-so many years. This may sound impressive at first glance, but even though the intentions may be good, this is not leadership. This is not leading. This is misleading, because most of these pledges do not include aviation, shipping, and imported and exported goods and consumption. They do, however, include the possibility of countries to offset their emissions elsewhere. . .

“Without seeing the full picture, we will not solve this crisis. Finding holistic solutions is what the COP should be all about. But instead, it seems to have turned into some kind of opportunity for countries to negotiate loopholes and to avoid raising their ambition. Countries are finding clever ways around having to take real action, like double counting emissions reductions and moving their emissions overseas and walking back on their promises to increase ambition or refusing to pay for solutions or loss and damage. This has to stop. What we need is real, drastic emission cuts at the source.

“But, of course, just reducing emissions is not enough. Our greenhouse gas emissions have to stop. To stay below 1.5 degrees, we need to keep the carbon in the ground. Only setting up distant dates and saying things which give the impression of that action is underway will most likely do more harm than good, because the changes required are still nowhere in sight. The politics needed does not exist today, despite what you might hear from world leaders.

“And I still believe that the biggest danger is not inaction. The real danger is when politicians and CEOs are making it look like real action is happening when in fact almost nothing is being done apart from clever accounting and creative PR.

“I have been fortunate enough to be able to travel around the world. And my experience is that the lack of awareness is the same everywhere, not the least amongst those elected to lead us. There is no sense of urgency whatsoever. Our leaders are not behaving as if we were in an emergency. In an emergency, you change your behavior. If there is a child standing in the middle of the road and cars are coming at full speed, you don’t look away because it’s too uncomfortable. You immediately run out and rescue that child. And without that sense of urgency, how can we, the people, understand that we are facing a real crisis? And if the people are not fully aware of what is going on, then they will not put pressure on the people in power to act. And without pressure from the people, our leaders can get away with basically not doing anything — which is where we are now.

“In just three weeks we will enter a new decade, a decade that will define our future. Right now we are desperate for any sign of hope. Well, I’m telling you there is hope. I have seen it. But it does not come from the governments or corporations. It comes from the people, the people who have been unaware but are now starting to wake up. And once we become aware, we change. People can change. People are ready for change. And that is the hope, because we have democracy. And democracy is happening all the time, not just on Election Day, but every second and every hour. It is public opinion that runs the free world. In fact, every great change throughout history has come from the people. We do not have to wait. We can start the change right now. We, the people.”